So today was judgment day for me, basically my results came back. While it might seem like a puny happening in this world where a billion things happen in one second, I believe this one moment might actually change a billion things that I am going to do and a billion things that is going to happen to me.

Before pen my words down, I have to first state that every time, I get this great revelation, I find a loophole in my studying and some ways which I can improve, but the thing is that it never happens. This will be the last year end holiday I have before my A Levels, the real judgment day. I greatly hope that I would put in the effort to maximize this holiday and make the best of it. Hoping alone would not suffice, I need tenacity, I require resilience to carry out my plan, I believe in myself. I have sort of reached the lowest point in my studying career, where whatever I do seems to amount into practically nothing. Well I guess if I get everything sorted out, then everything should get better, so holidays bring it on.

There has been much stuff bugging me. I actually have no idea why do I bother so much about the class average scores. Maybe it was because I was from the best class in SMTP last year, and always used to seeing my class at the top. It is just weird to see my class all the way at the bottom now. Well I think that class environments actually do play a part in one's grades. I hope next year would be better.

Lastly, I'm slipping into this state of infatuation again. I understand it is a self-induced state, just tell yourself you do not like that person, and you would not like her. Say it the other way, the opposite effect would happen. It is quite scary how human psychology works. The constant indoctrination of certain ideals and belief, be it self induced or externally imposed, can really shape and change a person. We are living in a very abstract world where many things are designated special names which can be changed anytime. We seem to live in a very baseless world where 1 could become 2 if someone in authority tells you so.

It is sad I do not have the courage…

Its been far too long since i blogged,too many things happened as usual. Kinda makes me like Mr Always-Busy. The thing is, I don't really liked it, being bogged down by the expectations of our meritocratic and material society. Why do i have to be a conformist and follow what ever society deems fit? This chained down feeling has me struggling to catch my breath, and also further restraining my thoughts and actions.

Well anyways, today there was a talk about relationship given to us by MCYS. My first thought was that has humans' emotional skills deteriorated so much they have to be given a LESSON on how to communicate with the opposite sex? Are our communication skills that pathetic?! Gosh, if that is so, maybe the Singaporean government should really review their education system to include more lessons about EQ. Talking about eq, it seems to be lacking in many people including me, i can't control what i say at what time making me an absolute douchebag most of the time, whats worse is that i hurt the feelings of my friends many times over. I have come to the point to even doubt that i'm liked by my friends. The insecurity i feel is immense and i only seem to run away from the problem, deceiving myself from the truth. I also seem to let others create joy out of my misfortune, somehow to attract attention to myself so i won't feel left out. Why am i trampling on myself? I really have no idea. I think its time i disallow these feelings to engulf me.

Anyways back to the talk, the male lecturer went about objectifying girls using the words like "Own" and stuff. It was to the point he was sounding childish. If guys were to cherish girls, they would not think of sex and stuff and obviously would not think of her as an object which can be owned. It is of basic common sense ain't it?

I'm so tired i think i can sleep forever. Hopefully i will slip into a fairytale of happily ever after.

Some parts of my life move faster than the other parts, especially my emotions. Well one week of constant doses of emotions seemed like a year. It seems exceptionally accelerated as if i have gone through alot, but actually it is just but a few days of ups and downs. Somehow liking someone till the brink of love can really drive you crazy, its the kind of thing lives of you like a parasite, it seeps away your energy slowly without you even knowing. Until the point you realise it, you are most probably half dead inside, a practical living dead.

Well i guess i'm kinda a pussy too, to afraid to face up to it, to afraid to tell it, who am i to tell others to man up and just do it when i myself can't even do it. well i guess, i will continue to be a pussy, running away from the problem after all proves the easiest and quickest escapade to a somewhat peaceful life.

Anyways, its not the main point, my love life, or should i say self-perceived love, crashing down on me is but a small part of my worries. my one big worry is now regarding the TRUTH - how stuff works. One scientist stated: "Theories are perceived increasingly not as revealed truths, but as working tools for the understanding of natural processes" i totally agree to this but its very depressing, it shows that the more we know the more we actually do not. By acknowledging this statement, whatever i have learnt does not actually shed any light on the question "why".

Science in it self has became more and more provisional, theories come and go, "truths" bend into many alternate shapes. So what is real and what is not? what is true and what is false? Being an relatively inquisitive prick, i have always scoured for answers as to how we all started, what happened before the big bang? And how was it possible for the big bang to happen if there was nothing at the beginning before it. And what is "nothing"? And if the big bang really occurred how did humans or living creatures arise from matter and inanimate objects? gahhh anyone who chances upon my blog and have the answers to these questions please enlighten me.

Now i know why people need a religion, these questions might just drive one crazy. I think atheists should not believe in science too considered it was once proclaimed as an alternate religion.

Well, after all i'm still a student, i still have to believe in "science" study it and worship it for my life pivots about it. So... Carpe Diem... cya guys

At last it is finally over, no more am i tormented, no more am i in this limbo of paradoxical trash.

the teenage world is a world filled with many things including love and stuff. it is filled with angst, it is filled with dilemmas, it is filled with choices, it is filled with drama, with happiness and with pain.

with love abound in most of the school, it is not hard to find yourself hard pressed to get into one especially if you have some weak resolve (no offense meant). but do people who want that girl so bad, want that relationship so bad ever question themselves what is it all for? get real, think of it this way, what happens to your freedom, what happens to your social circle, what happens to your life? Does it bring you places? does your happily ever after actually makes you happy? has it ever occurred to you that getting into a relationship is like tying yourself up? the deeper you go the more windings there are around you, up to the point your are mummified. i might just be a fucking douche overgeneralizing now but no one is gonna give you a grip in life except you yourself.

i will fight fire with fire now.

quote of the day: take it with a pinch of salt.

Love, something that i try to stay far away from. after a few weeks of school it has came back to haunt me. oh gosh what am i supposed to do, i can't get a fucking grip over myself, its heads over toes for me.

it drives me crazy it drives me away from my usual path of life, it's a stairway to heaven.

But how can i love someone who i barely know, someone whom i talk to only by chance, someone whom i don't really know. is this infatuation? i'm confused. i need a chance, a chance to try this.

i mean fuck this, i would light up in ecstasy when i see ur face and that beautiful smile of yours, my heart would jump around. i am never the boy i used to be, so indifferent to love so focused on my goals in life. now i am a desperate one, frantically searching for the roads that would link us together, searching for love.

i would swoon whenever u give me that smile of yours, my heart would enrapture whenever i look into your eyes and i will fall for you every single time over and over again.

its an epiphany, my life will forever be controlled by the opposite sex, never can i escape, i can run but i can't hide, it is a monster, dreadful yet irresistible.

It sets in on you... The routine of life, the emotions of life, the pain of life, the happiness and the sadness all gets to you one day without you realizing. It is amazing how we humans are able to be so emotional, so sensitive to intangible objects so easily affected by movement of particles and so easily affected by mere shadows of our past.

Walking down a path with lush greenery on both sides, it sets my mind to flip open the book of my life once again, invoking memories and definitely emotions. No matter how much I tell myself what's done is done, it is impossible to keep away from this forbidden book. It is ironic, how much one wants to stay away from something sad or devastating the more the memory reappears. It is like a supermassive blackhole sucking you to it constantly. When will the torment ever end? I guess only time can give me the answer.

Sometimes I wonder why someone can really hate others to the core. I mean like hate really really doesn't exist in my dictionary. Somehow it is impossible to erase an emotional scar, inflicting one does permanent damage. One of my conversation with one of my friends brought about the matter of the lack of love and emotional care in teens today. Everyone is just so caught up with work leaving family ties and friendships at the back of their minds. How in the world did this happen? Meritocracy has finally shown it's ugly side. Well I do admit that studies is indeed the most important thing now to most teens but aren't friends equally important. Just take a look at people in school without friends! I feel hollow and dark whenever I lose a friend. Friends are like essential emotional condiments for the soul without them life would just be a piece of blank paper.

But the main thing is this: superficiality. It is easy to make friends, but is it easy for you to find a true one that literally sticks to you through thick and thin, through all the shit in life? through every minute thing? Honestly, no! Whilst it's sad it's true. We live in a world where personal gains come before everything where only you and you matters where people will willingly give up friendship for personal gain. I hope those tha read my post can make a difference simply by being sincere to your friends. It's that simple. Erase any perverse thoughts of personal gain and advantages leaving behind what's left in the core. Pure companionship. Bringing happiness and joy and only that.

It's time for me to go. Music lessons, hopefully the emotions will flow.

And 3 things only...

1) keep AN eye on a goal and keep the OTHER on your life
2) will power
3) A HIGH tolerance for PAIN

Thank you very much leibing, I will remember these for life!

So today was judgment day for me, basically my results came back. While it might seem like a puny happening in this world where a billion things happen in one second, I believe this one moment might actually change a billion things that I am going to do and a billion things that is going to happen to me.

Before pen my words down, I have to first state that every time, I get this great revelation, I find a loophole in my studying and some ways which I can improve, but the thing is that it never happens. This will be the last year end holiday I have before my A Levels, the real judgment day. I greatly hope that I would put in the effort to maximize this holiday and make the best of it. Hoping alone would not suffice, I need tenacity, I require resilience to carry out my plan, I believe in myself. I have sort of reached the lowest point in my studying career, where whatever I do seems to amount into practically nothing. Well I guess if I get everything sorted out, then everything should get better, so holidays bring it on.

There has been much stuff bugging me. I actually have no idea why do I bother so much about the class average scores. Maybe it was because I was from the best class in SMTP last year, and always used to seeing my class at the top. It is just weird to see my class all the way at the bottom now. Well I think that class environments actually do play a part in one's grades. I hope next year would be better.

Lastly, I'm slipping into this state of infatuation again. I understand it is a self-induced state, just tell yourself you do not like that person, and you would not like her. Say it the other way, the opposite effect would happen. It is quite scary how human psychology works. The constant indoctrination of certain ideals and belief, be it self induced or externally imposed, can really shape and change a person. We are living in a very abstract world where many things are designated special names which can be changed anytime. We seem to live in a very baseless world where 1 could become 2 if someone in authority tells you so.

It is sad I do not have the courage…

Its been far too long since i blogged,too many things happened as usual. Kinda makes me like Mr Always-Busy. The thing is, I don't really liked it, being bogged down by the expectations of our meritocratic and material society. Why do i have to be a conformist and follow what ever society deems fit? This chained down feeling has me struggling to catch my breath, and also further restraining my thoughts and actions.

Well anyways, today there was a talk about relationship given to us by MCYS. My first thought was that has humans' emotional skills deteriorated so much they have to be given a LESSON on how to communicate with the opposite sex? Are our communication skills that pathetic?! Gosh, if that is so, maybe the Singaporean government should really review their education system to include more lessons about EQ. Talking about eq, it seems to be lacking in many people including me, i can't control what i say at what time making me an absolute douchebag most of the time, whats worse is that i hurt the feelings of my friends many times over. I have come to the point to even doubt that i'm liked by my friends. The insecurity i feel is immense and i only seem to run away from the problem, deceiving myself from the truth. I also seem to let others create joy out of my misfortune, somehow to attract attention to myself so i won't feel left out. Why am i trampling on myself? I really have no idea. I think its time i disallow these feelings to engulf me.

Anyways back to the talk, the male lecturer went about objectifying girls using the words like "Own" and stuff. It was to the point he was sounding childish. If guys were to cherish girls, they would not think of sex and stuff and obviously would not think of her as an object which can be owned. It is of basic common sense ain't it?

I'm so tired i think i can sleep forever. Hopefully i will slip into a fairytale of happily ever after.

Some parts of my life move faster than the other parts, especially my emotions. Well one week of constant doses of emotions seemed like a year. It seems exceptionally accelerated as if i have gone through alot, but actually it is just but a few days of ups and downs. Somehow liking someone till the brink of love can really drive you crazy, its the kind of thing lives of you like a parasite, it seeps away your energy slowly without you even knowing. Until the point you realise it, you are most probably half dead inside, a practical living dead.

Well i guess i'm kinda a pussy too, to afraid to face up to it, to afraid to tell it, who am i to tell others to man up and just do it when i myself can't even do it. well i guess, i will continue to be a pussy, running away from the problem after all proves the easiest and quickest escapade to a somewhat peaceful life.

Anyways, its not the main point, my love life, or should i say self-perceived love, crashing down on me is but a small part of my worries. my one big worry is now regarding the TRUTH - how stuff works. One scientist stated: "Theories are perceived increasingly not as revealed truths, but as working tools for the understanding of natural processes" i totally agree to this but its very depressing, it shows that the more we know the more we actually do not. By acknowledging this statement, whatever i have learnt does not actually shed any light on the question "why".

Science in it self has became more and more provisional, theories come and go, "truths" bend into many alternate shapes. So what is real and what is not? what is true and what is false? Being an relatively inquisitive prick, i have always scoured for answers as to how we all started, what happened before the big bang? And how was it possible for the big bang to happen if there was nothing at the beginning before it. And what is "nothing"? And if the big bang really occurred how did humans or living creatures arise from matter and inanimate objects? gahhh anyone who chances upon my blog and have the answers to these questions please enlighten me.

Now i know why people need a religion, these questions might just drive one crazy. I think atheists should not believe in science too considered it was once proclaimed as an alternate religion.

Well, after all i'm still a student, i still have to believe in "science" study it and worship it for my life pivots about it. So... Carpe Diem... cya guys

At last it is finally over, no more am i tormented, no more am i in this limbo of paradoxical trash.

the teenage world is a world filled with many things including love and stuff. it is filled with angst, it is filled with dilemmas, it is filled with choices, it is filled with drama, with happiness and with pain.

with love abound in most of the school, it is not hard to find yourself hard pressed to get into one especially if you have some weak resolve (no offense meant). but do people who want that girl so bad, want that relationship so bad ever question themselves what is it all for? get real, think of it this way, what happens to your freedom, what happens to your social circle, what happens to your life? Does it bring you places? does your happily ever after actually makes you happy? has it ever occurred to you that getting into a relationship is like tying yourself up? the deeper you go the more windings there are around you, up to the point your are mummified. i might just be a fucking douche overgeneralizing now but no one is gonna give you a grip in life except you yourself.

i will fight fire with fire now.

quote of the day: take it with a pinch of salt.

Love, something that i try to stay far away from. after a few weeks of school it has came back to haunt me. oh gosh what am i supposed to do, i can't get a fucking grip over myself, its heads over toes for me.

it drives me crazy it drives me away from my usual path of life, it's a stairway to heaven.

But how can i love someone who i barely know, someone whom i talk to only by chance, someone whom i don't really know. is this infatuation? i'm confused. i need a chance, a chance to try this.

i mean fuck this, i would light up in ecstasy when i see ur face and that beautiful smile of yours, my heart would jump around. i am never the boy i used to be, so indifferent to love so focused on my goals in life. now i am a desperate one, frantically searching for the roads that would link us together, searching for love.

i would swoon whenever u give me that smile of yours, my heart would enrapture whenever i look into your eyes and i will fall for you every single time over and over again.

its an epiphany, my life will forever be controlled by the opposite sex, never can i escape, i can run but i can't hide, it is a monster, dreadful yet irresistible.

It sets in on you... The routine of life, the emotions of life, the pain of life, the happiness and the sadness all gets to you one day without you realizing. It is amazing how we humans are able to be so emotional, so sensitive to intangible objects so easily affected by movement of particles and so easily affected by mere shadows of our past.

Walking down a path with lush greenery on both sides, it sets my mind to flip open the book of my life once again, invoking memories and definitely emotions. No matter how much I tell myself what's done is done, it is impossible to keep away from this forbidden book. It is ironic, how much one wants to stay away from something sad or devastating the more the memory reappears. It is like a supermassive blackhole sucking you to it constantly. When will the torment ever end? I guess only time can give me the answer.

Sometimes I wonder why someone can really hate others to the core. I mean like hate really really doesn't exist in my dictionary. Somehow it is impossible to erase an emotional scar, inflicting one does permanent damage. One of my conversation with one of my friends brought about the matter of the lack of love and emotional care in teens today. Everyone is just so caught up with work leaving family ties and friendships at the back of their minds. How in the world did this happen? Meritocracy has finally shown it's ugly side. Well I do admit that studies is indeed the most important thing now to most teens but aren't friends equally important. Just take a look at people in school without friends! I feel hollow and dark whenever I lose a friend. Friends are like essential emotional condiments for the soul without them life would just be a piece of blank paper.

But the main thing is this: superficiality. It is easy to make friends, but is it easy for you to find a true one that literally sticks to you through thick and thin, through all the shit in life? through every minute thing? Honestly, no! Whilst it's sad it's true. We live in a world where personal gains come before everything where only you and you matters where people will willingly give up friendship for personal gain. I hope those tha read my post can make a difference simply by being sincere to your friends. It's that simple. Erase any perverse thoughts of personal gain and advantages leaving behind what's left in the core. Pure companionship. Bringing happiness and joy and only that.

It's time for me to go. Music lessons, hopefully the emotions will flow.

And 3 things only...

1) keep AN eye on a goal and keep the OTHER on your life
2) will power
3) A HIGH tolerance for PAIN

Thank you very much leibing, I will remember these for life!